Sometimes I find breathing utterly agonizing. More often than not lately there is this darkness that aggressively threatens any light I try to generate. My thoughts are that I need to essentially take on a warrior attitude. For the longest time this mentality would establish itself in my mind and I would feel ugly and so much less than feminine. And I’d have to spray some Chanel and put on an apron to get back to my supposed “place.”
But lately when I get into these “warrior moods” I try to play them out instead of automatically dismissing them. I put on some Alice In Chains or Black Sabbath and sing along loudly, pumping my fists and banging my head. Maybe the aggression is the healer. Maybe women can be warriors. Why shouldn’t we be warriors when it comes to our own physical and mental well being? Why shouldn’t we shout and curse and go a little crazy??
The darkness will try to take me. It will be right around every corner. It will be subtle or it will be blatant. It will ravage me. It will destroy a flickering candle or an explosive bonfire. It dwells. It lurks. The darkness is nasty and cunning and malevolent. But why not embrace the warrior inside me and fight back? Why not feel capable and strong? Why not refuse to succumb?
Why not take on my “female Rob Zombie persona” and KICK ASS!! Haha. That surge is there even as I discuss this and I think it may be a good thing. Indeed, it is a good thing! I’m no less feminine. Quite possibly… I’m more feminine. More able and willing to light my own way. Feeling less helpless. Feeling aggressive and assertive and breathing easier.